What motivates you?

I find this an interesting question, partly because I find motivation a great problem.  As a result I want to see what it is that motivates me, what I can do to find greater motivation and how I can prevent my motivation from fizzling out within a couple of weeks.  I would also be interested in what motivates other people, and keeps them motivated, to see if I can learn from you.

Well, the obvious thing that motivates me is a desire for information.  As my family will tell you, if anyone asks a question that I can’t answer deliberately, I’m on the internet immediately.  If only I could remember all the random knowledge I’ve seen I’d be world quiz champion!  I guess this reflects the feeling I’ve had from a very young age the “me” is my mind and that the body is a shell.

So what else motivates me? Seeing other people in pain – whether it’s physical or mental – makes me want to help out.  But I guess that’s pretty common; no-one really wants family or friends to suffer.  And like my knowledge seeking, it tends to be a short term activity.  It’s easy to be there when there’s a crisis, but much harder to continue support over a long period of time.

And that summaries my problem quite nicely.  Things that trigger my motivation are immediate occurrences; they don’t tend long term items.  And whatever motivates me to start something, I find it incredibly hard to continue once the original trigger has moved into my past.  For instance, I know I need to lose weight, but knowing that, knowing it will improve my health and prolong my life are not motivators for me.  On the other hand, a recent bout of digestive trouble has been a motivator for my climbing back on the weight loss wagon.  And I am quite aware that the motivation from that sort of trigger usually dies out with 2-3 weeks.

So I need a way to prolong that motivation.  I know I need to carry on, but equally I know that once the immediate problem has gone into the past, I shall give up.  History shows this time and time again.  I guess it’s not that I think the problem has gone forever but more that day to day life makes it pale into insignificance.

I can’t really work out how to stop that happening.  For now, I intend to make dieting my “giving up for lent”.  Hopefully that keeps me on track for another 6 weeks.  But I’m not sure what I can do after that.  Again, in this case, I hope that good eating will have become habit and that any weight lost will help me feel healthier, which will provide immediate motivation.

But what about other things?  How do I find motivation to tidy the house – I know it will make not only me but the entire family happier.  But I can’t find the energy to do it.  What about the motivation to visit my friends?  I want to, but it seems like an impossible mountain to find the time. I could make a number of similar statements, all to do with a lack of motivation.  It’s so easy to put it down to my depression, but there must be more to it than that.

So can you help me?  Do you have a method for retaining motivation to do something.  Even better, do you know how to find motivation to start something?

All help much appreciated.

Well, It's been a long time since I wrote anything here.

Much has gone on, both bad and good, My friends are still the best and still out there, looking after me. We've been to the F1 and MotoGP. There have been concerts and comedy evenings. We've found a good builder an best of all my daughter has graduated and is working on her plans for the future.

But the other side of the coin has been dominant recently. Work has been stressful, with a number of layoffs that have left too much for those remaining to do. Similarly, my husband's work has put more strain on him than he can cope with, worsening his depression. Then his Mother passed away at the end of November. A few days after the funeral, all 3 of us went down with flu. We made an effort to make Christmas happen at our house for his Father, but naturally, it was a bit strained. And despite taking an extra week's holiday after the new year, I never really got time to relax.

During almost all this time, I was in what I call "coping mode", keeping going because I had to. No-one else was going to do it! But I didn't take any care of myself; I was too busy and it didn't fit in with taking care of others. I totally withdrew from contact with anyone that I didn't have to see. To be honest, I knew that my depression had got worse, but there wasn't time to do anything about it. And the Christmas food and eating out must have totally wrecked my diabetes control.

But over the last couple of days I have got in touch with my best friends. And I doing so, I've had to be honest about how I feel with them and therefore face it myself. And it's been a shock. I just want to stop - everything. Sleep is hard and I'm having weird dreams. I need time in which I'm not the one having to be in change, be the one doing and the one caring. I want to just sit and cry - but it's not going to help anyone. My husband is not in any state to look after himself, let alone me. And I couldn't ask my daughter to look after both of us.

So the only decision to make is to do what I know needs to be done and hope that it will eventually turn me round. Starting Monday I shall be eating properly, taking my meds at the right time of day and going back to the gym. Oh, and of course I'll be back at work.

Wish me luck!

Reclaiming my life

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks time and since it's on a Friday and since I'd been told to take lots of holiday from work this year, I decided to book the day off. But that lead to the question, what do I want to do with that day?

I thought long and hard. The OH fancied doing a long weekend at a country pub but I declined. Dirty weekends are great, don't get me wrong, but somehow it didn't feel right for me here and now. This is a strange birthday to be celebrating. It's not that I've reached a landmark age or anything but it so nearly didn't happen. And that thought lead me to the answer. I wanted to surround myself with the most important people to me and thank them for being there when I needed them.

So I am going to spend the day cooking what I hope is an amazing dinner and then having a wonderful time eating, drinking and chatting with my friends. It's a shame I couldn't invite more people than I have, I could easily have invited two or three times the number, but we live in a mid-terrace house and so numbers are limited to enable us to feel comfortable. I shall invite the others another time.

And this is how I am reclaiming my life back. After two decades of isolation and concentrating on supporting my family, I am re-emerging into the warm glow of friendships. Finding time to get to know, care for and support other people, as well as imposing on them when I need comfort. This two way street is something that had disappeared from my life and with it I had become a very one dimensional person.

But now I feel as though I have woken up from a long dream. Life has expanded out in front of me with so many options and opportunities. I have formed friends that I hope I shall never lose, learned things for myself that I would have thought beyond me and started to live my dreams instead of thinking they were outside my reach. Life is so much richer now than last year, it's hard to believe I am the same person. In many ways I think I am no longer the same person. And if, occasionally, I forget this and revert back to my old ways – please, kick my butt!

The Enzo Is Best

I had such a wonderful day out yesterday, having my Enzo ride. For people that I haven't already bored with the details, I was lucky enough to be able to book this when I went to MPH06. There is a charity, the Sporting Bears, who provide rides in interesting cars for a donation. And one of their number, Paul Bailey, was generous enough to offer rides in his Ferrari Enzo.

Now most of the rides actually took place at the show, but obviously there was nowhere suitable for for a race car. So I had to wait until the day could be organised and track time had been booked. When the letter with the details of the day arrived, you would have been forgiven that it was Christmas, Easter and my birthday all in one. The day was to take place at Silverstone where I was entitled to ride as a passenger for 3 laps of the track. And I was welcome to take guests, who could look round but wouldn't get a ride themselves. I booked the day off immediately and decided that since the day started at 08:00 that I would spend the night before at Northampton.

So late Tuesday night I collected my friend Liz and drove to the Holiday Inn Express in Northampton. We enjoyed a drink to unwind but went to bed early as it was likely to be a long day. At 06:30 we got up and were under way at 07:30. There was a major accident on the M1 but fortunately we were on the far side of it and arrived dead on time, beating the people organising the day by 5 - 10 minutes.

There were 8 of us who had booked rides, but one didn't make it, and the first thing we all did was photograph the car while we were waiting. We'd already filled out indemnity forms saying if they there was an accident, it wasn't their fault, so once Paul Bailey arrived we all went and registered at race control. Silverstone use a system of coloured wristbands to show your status and so we received a blue wrist band for identification as passengers.

Then we attended the track briefing; instruction on track etiquette and rules. Most of this is mainly of import to drivers, who have a yellow wristband, but it is interesting none the less. And if you've been paying attention you can enjoy your ride much more as you follow the interplay between marshals, track and drivers. Since it is compulsory for drivers, they get given a second, orange wristband to prove attendance, so naturally we all claimed one for a memento!

Next back to the car, which was sharing a garage with an Porsche RSR, two Lotus Elise and a Lotus 7. The Enzo had just come out of winter storage and had been touched up and clayed to get rid of the stone chips and scratches. As we were all hanging around chatting, Paul was checking her out and suddenly there was the most amazing noise. The engine was starting from cold and there is no way to describe the noise; it was awesome and beautiful.

While the car was taken out for a warm up, we debated the running order and decided on youngest to oldest, which put me last but one (by a year and a day!). Then as we waited our turns, we stood on the pit wall and watched the other cars passing by.

The day was split into 2 groups, each driving in 1/2 hour sessions, with the Enzo going out on the 30 minute boundary. So there was loads of time to see what else was there that day. I won't name them all (partly because I can't) but notably there was an Ascari KZ1, a Noble M400, a Jaguar XJR-16 (racer) and a Jaguar XK140 (vintage). Porsches were two a penny, Ferrari 430s and 355s kept the Enzo company and there was more than a handful of Lotuses, including some beautiful Lotus 7s.

The ride was something else. For a sportscar it's not too hard to get into, well compared to a Lotus Exige anyway, and when you're in there it's just beautiful. I have a feeling that an object should be made of materials that are appropriate to it's function, so I can see little point in filling a car with bits of dead tree and cow skin. But in the Ferrari everything's just perfect - luxury materials are used only where they make sense and most of it is made of modern, light-weight materials.

We went out on a warm up lap, to acclimatise me, followed by two speed laps. Warming up involved a top speed of 200 KmH and on the second lap we reached 270 KmH. I'm sure Paul would have done even better on the third lap (I understand that he's racing a Ferrari 430 this year) but we got a red flag, which means there's been an accident and we have to slow right down and go into the pits. Sad, but I'd already had my 3 laps.

Around lunchtime I decided to head home as I was totally exhausted, but I can tell you, I'm still wearing my wristbands and haven't come down yet.

Photos: http://picasaweb.google.com/soo.thomas

Spring is sprung ...

... the grass is Riz.

I wonder where the boidies is?

The boidies' on the wing.

How utterly absoid,

The wing is on the boid.

(Anon)

But it is utterly absurd. I was running this afternoon and I passed a huge patch of primroses in bloom. At the start of march. It feels far too early.

And that's not all. This week as I've been walking to work I have had the most marvellous treat. Along the A4, where all I can usually smell is the exhaust fumes from the heavy traffic, I have been surrounded by the beautiful smell of the May in bloom. I have been covered in petals and serenaded by the nesting birds. The May trees! The name gives it away; it should be nearly two months before they flower.

Now, I don't want to turn this into a rant about global warning or an eco diatribe. So what I shall do instead is to say how wonderful nature is. Despite the changes that are happening, and I don't think anyone denies there are changes, nature always makes the best of things. So before the end of February this year I have seen snowdrops, aconite, daffodils and narcissus, primroses, may, crocus and even tulips. How beautiful and inspiring.

Of course, the early appearance of flowers is a trivial event. Other phenomena due to the climate changes are far more serious. Only today we heard about 16 children killed by a tornado in the States. But the point to realise is that the planet is self correcting mechanism. Much doom and gloom is written about the end of the world. But this is only the end of the world as we know it. Should we fail to counteract the current trends, many things will change. There may well be mass extinctions; it is even possible mankind will fail to find a way of saving itself.

But the planet, nature, will not care. It has been through many periods of extreme change. We have evidence of previous mass extinctions. The climate and the ecosystem have been through many different eras in which they took a bashing but they always recovered. Right back near the beginning, earth was incapable of supporting life with little in existence but massive volcanoes and a poisonous atmosphere.

So make the most of every opportunity we are given to enjoy our world. It is very beautiful. It will always be very beautiful, but it might not be the same.

Short Term Karma

Back to one of my favourite topics: you get what you give. Or turning it somewhat inaccurately on it's head, you should give what you get.

Since I've been ill, I haven't been doing a lot. Mainly taking country walks, apparently from the number of clothes, doing lots of shopping and cooking the odd meal. So going back to work half-time has been a bit of a shock. I have no idea how I managed a full-time job and running my life previously because right now I couldn't do it. It hasn't helped that lots of other activities, such as counselling and my IAM advanced driving, have started around the same time.

And this Tuesday was scheduled to be the granddaddy of all busy days. I had to go to Southampton in the morning to attend a 9:00 am hospital visit with my daughter. I was working in Bristol in the afternoon and had a counselling session in the evening.

The day started well enough, I left Bristol around 6:15 am for a slightly under two hour drive to meet my daughter at 8:30 am. The weather was reasonable, the roads flowing nicely and I had a chance to put a few of the new driving habits I'm attempting to acquire into practice. I had the radio on and was getting regular traffic announcements.

As I reached to junction of the A34 and A303, with about 40 minutes to go, the matrix road sign said “road ahead closed”. Had I realised what that meant, I would have diverted there and then, navigating to Southampton by instinct. However, in my naiveté, I took closed to mean there would be a diversion taking us off at the appropriate junction and feeding us round the problem area. Oh dear me, no. What it should have read was “accident ahead, leave road at next junction”.

As I carried on, another junction came up and as I was deciding whether to cross over lanes to leave at this point, I had to slow down to avoid the traffic jam. No-one was willing at that point to let me change lane and so I had to crawl pass at about two miles an hour. And now on the radio an announcement told me that a lorry had overturned on the junction for the M3 and the tailback wasn't moving.

About 20 minutes later, I had managed to get in the left-hand lane and had reached the first lay-by. But now a total disaster overtook me as I realised my mobile phone was still recharging at home. There was no way I could let Karen I wasn't going to make it and she might wait too long for me and miss her appointment altogether. There were 3 trucks and one other car in the lay-by, so I went over and knocked on the car window. I explained my dilemma and the gentleman kindly lent me his mobile. But, of course, I didn't know my daughter's phone number – it's in the sim card memory. So I had to phone my husband first; and I had no way of storing the number. The problem had already been anticipated by my knight in shining armour and a piece of paper and a felt-tip pen were already at my disposal.

With 10 minutes to go before I was due, I managed to reach my daughter to let her know that I wouldn't be there. I calmed her down, answered her questions about what to expect and then had to leave her to face the hospital by herself. Here I have to thank my benefactor again from the bottom of my heart and confess that I didn't even ask his name, so I can't give him a roll-call here. Now I could rejoin the traffic jam relatively unstressed and see how long it would take me to finally arrive at my destination. In fact, I was in time to meet my daughter coming out of her appointment and hear her good news.

So just before midday I headed back to Bristol. Rather than return via the site of the accident, which was probably still congested, I went back via the A36. Just outside Plaitford I spotted a white haired gentleman apparently hitch-hiking. I was passing a lay-by and so pulled in to offer him a lift. He was headed to Whaddow (about 3 miles) and was walking because he would have had to wait 2 - 3 hours for a bus! It was so nice to be able to return a favour to someone else. It wasn't as important as the favour done for me that morning, but at least it was helping out a fellow person.

So I tried to give back the favour I had received and that, is the idea I'd like to propagate. Do something nice for other people every day. You'll be surprised how often you get sincerely thanked. And how often you'll find that asking others for help when you need it results in meeting a kind and generous soul. Finally, can a say yet another thank you to the man in the 55 Vauxhall Zafira.

Do you feel appreciated?

It's an intriguing question, isn't it; do you feel appreciated? Several things have started thinking me about this recently. One of them was Ktx's last 40%proof posting about the use of the word no. But it was my return to work and my counselling session that night that really got me pondering.

You see, I returned to work this week for the first time in 10 weeks. And I can't say going back was something I felt entirely happy about. I still had the belief that I'd let all my friends and colleagues at work down badly, so I was expecting that there would be a certain amount of resentment. So, on Tuesday morning, I was more than a little terrified as I stepped into reception.

The very first greeting I got was from the secretary, who had a huge grin for me. I found my desk untouched and a fair pile of mail waiting for me. The gentleman who sits opposite me asked after my health but was the soul of tact over the cause of my absence. Over the next couple of hours I couldn't believe the number of people that came to say hello. They all made me feel so welcome that by lunchtime it was almost as if I had never walked out.

It began to strike me that the people I work with thought much more of me than I expected. That, had I committed suicide when I was in the depths of my depression, they would have been shocked and hurt. You see, I think of a great many of the people at my company as friends. But I am never sure if the feeling goes the other way. We work together, chat, swap stories, share hobbies. But the industry I work in is very male dominated and if same sex friendships can be hard to understand, the male/female dynamic is next to impossible. So while I've often felt “one of the boys”, there have been times at which I have felt as if I intrude upon something; that I don't belong. And many times I appear to have been invisible.

Does it seem odd to you that I hadn't expected my friends to be glad that I am getting better; that they might be happy that I could return to work? It did to me. I began to ask myself why. And this question came up while I was talking in therapy. The point is that right from childhood I have been uncertain where I stood with people. And quite often that would be because they didn't express their opinions about me, whether good or bad. My parents were very keen on manners, so Ps & Qs were always said as a matter of course. I remember being rewarded for doing well at school and their being proud at my gaining my degree. I can also remember always doing what was considered right, because I didn't want to unset or disappoint them. But mainly their approval of me was implicit by the way I was trusted and in their total love and warmth for me.

And this is where I made the connection with Ktx's post. Saying “yes” leads to approbation; people will be more likely to think of you in positive ways. They may even express their thanks, which is very desirable if you don't have much self-confidence. And on the other hand, saying “no” means that you take a risk that you will come in for criticism. Which can hurt; a lot. But these opinions about you are likely to be fairly short lived. What people actually think about you has more to do with the totality of your behaviour. Saying “yes” and failing to deliver is much worse than simply saying “no”. Saying “no” but providing an alternative can be even more helpful as an unwilling “yes”.

So my question to you today is “do you feel appreciated?”. And if you don't, is it that you are just being given signals, rather than being told outright? So, let us all help to make this a better world. Next time someone does something for you, however small, make sure you tell them how kind they are. Never leave them uncertain that they are wanted or cared for.